Posts Tagged ‘patriarchy’
I.N.A.Y. #2: Touching
Posted on: March 16, 2010
Posted by Robin, Philly
A person-shaped salt shaker and pepper shaker hug each other, the salt shaker looks a bit taken aback.
This is post #2 in a series called I.N.A.Y.: It’s Not About You. I.N.A.Y. #1: “Effectively” Calling Out Patriarchy can be found here.
Recently, I had a series of discussions with a new male acquaintance about touching. Basically, I had tried to communicate that I disliked him touching me, and he kept doing it anyway. When he was confronted about this, his explanation was that he thinks people in our society are too isolated from each other, and in an effort to bridge our isolation, he goes out of his way to touch people.
The guy is certainly not the first person in my life to repeatedly touch me when I’ve tried to make it clear I don’t want them to, but I’ll give it to him that he’s the first person to have apparently put so much thought into it, indeed to have a theory around it.
The problem is, by reducing it to a formulaic theory (we’ve talked about the link between theory and patriarchy on here before), he is putting his ideology before the desires of actual people in his life. He is being harmfully dogmatic, his actions say “I know best what is good for you, better than you do. Even if you ask me not to touch you, I will because I know what you need.” I.E., he’s being paternalistic and entitled.
posted by Christa (Philly)
Robin Markle helped me immensely with this piece. It wouldn’t be possible without her. This paper was a companion piece to my internship with SDS that I completed January 2009. Most of this research is qualitative, although there is some quantitative data. I’m not speaking in absolutes, but researched behavior and trends.
Note: Parts of this article are framed it as male/female. I am not promoting the gender binary by any means. The most common binary term I used was “women-centered organizing”…I used this rather than feminist or trans/women/genderqueer-centered organizing because
1) A lot of the groups the articles studied about aren’t feminist. A lot of the groups are moderate/conservative/non-partisan women’s groups but have similar aspects of organizing.
2) In that same vein, I didn’t use trans/women/genderqueer-centered organizing because a lot of these groups ARE Cis-normative and binary. A lot of these groups aren’t radical, they have problematic aspects to them, but they also organize in some really effective ways, which means we should study and learn from the things they do right and grow away from the things they do wrong.
Polyamory in activist communities, issues with existing relationship models, and the lack of a middle ground
Posted on: January 8, 2010
Thanksgiving weekend: The collision of my gender politics with my family, and the Second Shift in action
Posted on: November 28, 2009
Because it is a holiday weekend, I have spent the last two days around my family, including my parents,brother, and extended family. I never been incredibly close with my family, so I don’t spend a lot of time with them, and since I am often surrounded by progressive/feminist/activist/LGBTQQI/sex-positive/etc. friends 
and other folks at school, it’s always kind of disheartening when I leave the haven of this bubble. I hate to call it a bubble because it’s not like we as a community are oblivious to the thoughts, beliefs, and lives of people who don’t share our political beliefs, but sometimes to me it feels like a comfortable, cozy bubble, which is both a good and a bad thing.
It is not even as if I deal with a constant barrage of overtly sexist, racist, classist, homophobic, conservative and/or fundamentalist bullshit- my family (minus my neo-con, Fox News loving brother) is relatively liberal and they (even my brother, to a certain extent) are pretty accepting of my political views and activism/organizing. I make my dedication to reproductive rights no secret, and have no qualms discussing my feminist views and activism with my family. But I have observed things this weekend that have made me incredibly uncomfortable, and I share this because I’m sure some of you have seen the same, as it is the weekend of a capitalist, hetero-normative, materialistic, racist, and overall problematic holiday. The first instance came when my mother took no time to inquire about my sexuality due in part to my short hair, decision to take more women’s studies classes, friends, and activism. I told her that it was wrong to attempt to determine my sexuality on the basis of these things because there is no right or correct way for a female or queer person to be.
Concrete Ways Not to be a Total Dude Bro
i.e., I Can’t Believe You Guys Are Being for Real
by Adrian & Emilyn with special thanks to Christa.
an entirely accurate depiction of Emilyn (in the middle) and Adrian (on the right) defeating the metaphorical "monster" that is patriarchy.
DISCLAIMER: We recognize that the tone of this piece is probably a little aggressive or angry. That’s because we were really angry and upset and in a bad place when we wrote it. We’ve come back a few months later, removed some of the profanity, and tried to be not so confrontational. But it was also important for us to be able to express these things that we’ve felt for so long, and haven’t been empowered to say. So please, when you’re reading this, try not to get defensive, and try to acknowledge where we were when we wrote this.
dude bro: (noun) \ˈdüd \ˈbrō
1. a gender-normative male-bodied person who acts in a patriarchal way
2. one who is macho and/or overly- and obnoxiously-masculine, in the worst way(s) possible
dudely: (adj.)
1. something/someone with the qualities of a dude bro
2. dominated by men
cisgender: (noun.) (in this piece we use cismale/cismen/cisdude)
1. the contrast to trans on the gender spectrum
2. someone who lives and identifies as the sex they were assigned at birth
- Stop prowling (also, stop denying it when you are).
- Stop lying to yourself — you’re not a good feminist.
- STFU&L (shut the fuck up and listen). Read the rest of this entry »
Men and the Written Word
Posted on: November 15, 2009
by Robin, Philly
This is a topic I’ve been thinking about for a long time and have had a hard time drawing decisive conclusions about. At this point I’ve been noticing it consistently for about 2 and a half years, though, and I think it’s time to throw my thoughts out there to hear what other people think. (And when I say people, I mean, women, trans and gender variant people, and MAYBE some dudes if you’re gonna do something other than get defensive.)
What is up with men and books? So many activist men I know have read about a billion books. All about leftist history and anarchism/communism and racism and sexism, apparently. I’m not trying to say women don’t read books, but to be honest, most of my female friends read much fewer books than the males I know, and they are more likely to read fiction.
- In: Abuse
- 5 Comments
Posted by Carly, Providence SDS
For a year now, I’ve been struggling with the question of how to share my experiences, and my chapter’s experiences, of a member’s abusive behavior in a productive, conscionable way.
This list is based on my own experiences with men in SDS. If you’re a man that I know, and you’re reading this and wondering if any of it is about you… then it could be.
Please don’t send me a(nother) long e-mail about how you’re angry about the way I “called you out” (notice that there are no names) or how you think this list is “counter-productive” or “self-righteous.” Instead, I encourage you to take that anger or defensiveness or whatever emotion you have after reading this, and think about why these behaviors might be upsetting and how you could change these behaviors to make SDS a more welcoming place to women/queer/transfolk.
Fellow women/queer/transfolk: feel free to add your own lessons in the comments! (I’m sure I’ve left out a lot – after all, men have so much to teach us!)
Lessons That Men in SDS Have Taught Me:
- It is wrong to call women “bitches.” It is, however, perfectly acceptable to call them “aggressive,” “intimidating,” and “hostile.”
- It is “self-righteous” and counter-productive to call people out, to ask people to respect you, or to tell people why/that their words and actions are hurtful and oppressive.
- The appropriate way to deal with a conflict is to send out long e-mails about it, preferably to every listserv you’re on.
- When problems arise, long e-mails may also be combined or substituted with passive-aggressive statuses on Facebook and/or gchat.
- The most effective and liberatory way to share your knowledge with people is in monologue form.
- Questions on feminist politics should be taken to the token woman.
- The best way(s) to deal with your emotions are (a.) refuse to acknowledge that they exist, and/or (b.) dump them on your (least?) favorite female/queer/trans friend.
- Women are only worth your time if they’ll “hook up” with you. (Or if there’s a chance that they will sometime in the future.)
- “Feminism” and “sexual liberation” mean “fucking lots of women.”
- Men in SDS never commit sexual assault. Only “normal” men (such as liberal environmentalists) do that!
- It is wrong for women and queer/transfolks to use violence to defend themselves against rape and queer bashings.
- If you’ve read The Will to Change, it means that you’re no longer a patriarch. It also means that you can be self-righteous about how you’re in touch with your emotions, and how you’re no longer a part of patriarchy.
- Having a penis and being male are the only qualifications you need to do a job. Take charge — no one will mind!
- The fact that someone “has come a long way” means you should be totally understanding of, and patient with, their current fucked up behaviors.
- Abuse, patriarchy, and sexism are totally compatible with radical/anarchist and feminist politics.
<3 sarah b. (dc-sds)
“It’s not me…it’s patriarchy” How men hide behind patriarchy (A Series)
Posted on: February 16, 2009
“It’s not me…it’s patriarchy” How men hide behind patriarchy (A Series)
by Tyneisha Bowens
Part 1: How men deny the effects of patriarchy on their emotional intelligence
“I’m just not as emotional as you are”. Many of us have heard the men in our lives utter these words. And to some extent it’s true.
I mean, we all know what it’s like to want and need more emotional disclosure from the men in our lives. We feel this way because we as women and female bodied folks are encouraged by society and fucked up gender roles to be more in touch with the emotional needs and wants of others, to provide emotional support for all those around us. This training has lead many of us to be emotional slaves of our fathers, lovers, children and friends.
While it has lead many women to a horrible emotional enslavement the rest of us use this emotional training to connect with each other, ourselves and our own needs, and to cultivate a community based on love and open communication. So, it’s no wonder men find themselves almost constantly being asked to and expected to be more emotionally aware, open….intelligent. We want them to be a part of this new emotionally charged community and we want them to do so actively!
It seems the biggest mystery is why they always revert to the same explanation or excuse for their disappointing emotional display. But this is no mystery at all, according to them it’s just this simple… they just aren’t as emotional as we are. WOW, now I understand! Thanks guys. At first I thought it was that you all have been crippled into a perpetual state of emotional immaturity from your patriarchal socialization and the many ways it has manifested for you all personally. BUT NO! It’s just that you all happen to be less emotional than us….and furthermore since it’s “how you are” there is no need to hold yourself accountable to actively change it.
Bullshit! If any of you reading this (men, women and trans/gender queer folks alike) believe that shit you are sadly mistaken. Men are not “just not as emotional” as women and female bodied folks. They are emotionally crippled…yes. But less emotional..no. See, it’s not that men have an inability to feel and have emotions, the problem is usually that they have a much harder time recognizing,respecting, owning and expressing their emotions. But they do have them.
So, let’s talk about how they can’t talk about their emotions! Most of us have also heard this excuse before “Some people just don’t talk about their emotions”. Well, they are right about that too. It just so happens that almost half of the population doesn’t talk about their emotions…what a coincidence!
In reality, where many of us women and female bodied folks live, it’s not that the men in our lives “just” don’t talk about their emotions….it’s that they are taught not to and they haven’t gotten off of their patriarchal asses to change that.
We all know that patriarchy enforces gender roles for all of us and a part of that for men is the myth that emotions and talking about them is not a masculine thing to do….it’s only for the women folk. The problem, at least for us in the movement, isn’t that the men in our lives don’t know this…they do. I mean, they have read The Will to Change like 100 times.
The problem is that they don’t think of themselves as affected individually and more importantly as responsible for changing. So they can read and write about how patriarchy as an overall system affects men as an overall group. But that is usually where it stops. They can’t really get to the part where they realize that patriarchy manifesting in their own lives affects them…individual men.
They don’t see that it’s not just “some people” that don’t express emotions…..it’s patriarchs. Now, don’t get me wrong…there are women that don’t openly express emotions either but it’s not a coincidence that those women are often following the model of success and power that patriarchy teaches us all. You know, having to “run with the big boys”….but that is another entry waiting to happen. Back to the men folk!
For me this kind of behavior, men’s refusal to admit and challenge how patriarchy cripples their emotional intelligence, is a refusal of true collective liberation itself. I mean collective liberation in a very small nutshell is just the understanding, and most importantly manifestations of this understanding, that the liberation of any of us lies in the liberation of all of us. What a great idea…and the men in our lives will often be the first to tell you that. However for many of them it seems to stop at being an idea. If all of our liberation depends on the liberation of everyone else….if we are all in this together and all have a whole hell of a lot to gain….isn’t it possible that we are all…..idk….oppressed and repressed. And if we all are oppressed and repressed isn’t also possible that we all have a lot of socialization to combat before we can begin to break down the pillars of oppression that hold up this system? I’ll go ahead and answer that one….it’s not possible….it is a fact!
What I’m trying to say is that men who claim to aspire to the idea and action of collective liberation should know that a part of what they must do in that struggle is reflect on how patriarchy cripples and oppresses them and then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
The issue is not that the men in our lives, many of whom are activists and organizers, are incapable of analyzing oppression and privilege dynamics and even trying to act on that analysis. But they are often too busy reading and blogging and even trying to “help” us to actually help themselves. And when they realize that they do need to work on their own shit the have no idea how to do it (a starter kit for them is outlined bellow).
It’s crucial for the movement and for us to build a better world that men start owning their privilege and oppression and a huge part of that is owning their emotions.
How else can they expect us to work with and love them? How else can we trust them? I mean, I don’t know about you but I can’t truly trust a person that doesn’t know themselves and men who don’t tap into and express their emotions don’t really know who they are.
So let’s get to the practical part because unfortunately they won’t really be able to do this unless we hold their hands a little (of course, if you don’t want to do that for them more power to you….fuck it).
Now, (for those of you who want to help them) it’s time that men stop using these excuses and begin to realize a few things about themselves- cut and paste this for the men in your lives (this is in list formation because I know how men love their lists).
Hey men:
You are not the exception to socialization and patriarchy (I know it’s hard to accept).
You are responsible for actively challenging the patriarchy that you enact and perpetuate (and yes you do perpetuate and enact it….even if you read bell hooks): listen to the women and female bodied folks in your life; do not get defensive (criticism is a gift…treat it as such); create a restorative justice model of recovery with the women and female bodied folks in your life; create a restorative justice model of recovery with the queer folks in your life; work with other men to hold each other accountable; put your theory into practice!
You are sexist….all of you…realize this. you have been socialized to be and you are….and you will be until the day you die….but you have to fight that as much as you can every day! of course you are not all sexist in the same way….but that does not mean that you can take a break or you should got prizes just b/c you are not as sexist as other men. it just means that you have more work to do with those other men!
You are oppressed by patriarchy…therefore you should be fighting it….not defending, ignoring, or hiding behind it.
YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO IGNORE YOUR PRIVILEGE! this includes how it affects/effects you and others in your life.
Those things should help the men in our lives a little and help us too. We all need to be actively challenging the patriarchy in our lives. For many of us this means becoming more assertive with the men in our lives about how their excuses are outdated and unwanted. We want them to change and so they have to.
I mean, what kind of revolutionary can’t say ” I love you” or “I’m afraid” or articulate what they feel and need emotionally? No revolutionary at all.
So, next time your father, lover, partner, friend tells you that they aren’t as emotional as you are let them know the truth. In case you don’t know what I mean, here’s a recap: They (men) have just as many emotions as we do…they just aren’t currently able to communicate them…and yes it is their responsibility to actively change this and if we decide to help them they should be super fucking grateful!
Coming Soon…. How Men’s Emotional Infancy Hurts Us!
